I am sorry to everyone for making this non-fandom-related depressing post.
I...I just can't take it anymore... ...I'm so useless.
It's only such a lil' problem... yet, I just still haven't coped with it or recovered from that after so long...
When can I stop crying and whinning about it...
Why have I been waking up feeling suffocating for daysss...
*pants...difficult to respirate & breathe*
No matter how large the wound is, it should have been healed after all these days...
Why is there still a huge pain in my heart? It's tearing me into pieces...shattering my world.
I have already broken down...I've already drown myself in tears for numerous time...
Nevertheless, the torture seems to be neverending... as long as my heart's still beating.
Living dead... when and how could I get my life back... ...
JUST STAB RIGHT INTO MY HEART ALREADY, ONEGAI~ *heart's dripping blood*
Why didn't you just do it in one go & shoot me right there?
Why did you go cutting all over the other parts of my body instead?
You cut me open here and there...but I'm still bleeding love.
You didn't witness any bleeding though... you didn't even do that for your entertainment.
I wasn't even recognized by you when you did so.
You simply left me wounds & bruises...then you're gone.
Not even taking another glimpse of this seriously injured person... well, am I even a person?
I thought you said you loved me, Yabu-kun...
Why did I even believe in your childish words...you're spoiled, Kota.
"I can't stop thinking 'bout you...not even a sec."
"I must stay sticking with you like nattou~"
"There's no way I can get you off my mind...can't concentrate on my study."
"I love you, Hikari-chan."
Well yeah... those sweet evil words did come from your poisonous lips, they did.
I guess you did mean so when they slipped from your mouth. I did not doubt.
And I still don't...
'coz I've understood now.
I realised what my existence'd been meaning for you all those times.
I was just a piece of your old toy.
A cure for a lonesome heart of a highschool student back then.
That's why you used to bring me along going here, there and everywhere.
Holding my hands just like a child picks up his/her beloved piece of toy.
You talked to me. You cooked with me. You dined with me.
Even put me by your side to accompany you during your revisions.
I was just a tool or a product for you to get rid of your stress & boredom.
When you were under pressure, you got your mind refreshed by pecking on my lips.
When you were suffering from solitariness, you tried gaining some love by brushing your lips across mine.
Or just...when you felt like it, you went kissing me all over.
Even when I was not amused.
I existed for your pleasure, for the sake of your own desire.
I was just a kissable plushie you owned.
Hence, there's no way I would make any objections.
Even I couldn't help frowning when you nibbled too hard, I still wouldn't make a single word of complain.
Kota, I love you, you know?
Could you hear me?
You couldn't, right...
'coz I was just a piece of non-living toy.
Ever in human history, the owner controls whatever he/she'd like to do with the doll.
Never the other way round...
Whatever disappointment, sadness or feeling of hurt filled up the doll inside, it will still please its owner with the forever smile on its face.
Even if it's crying silently under the cloth & cotton...
On top of that, I want to add...
Not only because I couldn't talk that I didn't stop whatever you did to me...
I obey you, Kota. Your wish is my command.
If it's what you wanted, I'm willing to be tortured by you...as long as you're in front of my eyes.
As long as you're there.
I love you. I truly did and I really do.
I was there for you when you needed.
I never made a sound when you were treating me any way you wanted.
I didn't push you away once no matter what you did on top of me.
I dedicated myself, my heart to you.
But why...why did you still abandon me in the end?
What did I do as a result I have to be punished by you?
I can't even say you've "betrayed" me...I have NO RIGHTS to use that word, do I?
Being your doll should have realised earlier that THE DAY would come... ...
When your owner found a piece of newly manufactured latest toy, or, when he/she's grown up and got a real-human-lover, you should be prepared...be ready that you'd be dumped.
Be kicked aside to the corner or be thrown into the bin... crashing into pieces.
I wasn't prepared for that, Kota.
You gave me false hope...making me feel like pinocchio could really be turned into a real human with flesh and blood.
You created so many illusions for me that I'd been feeling like a human girl when we were together.
You bought me so many gifts and presents, didn't you?
They're all so precious to me. I treasure each and every piece of them.
Anyhow, now I got the clearer picture...
The pretty clothes, glossy lipsticks or accessories you've given me were only like what a child would buy for a Barbie doll, eh? To dress it up beautifully for your own eye candy?!
But then, you'd also brought me to the fantasy world of Disneyland theme park...
I was so scared of the roller coaster ride but I still got on it as you wanted me to...and you're by my side.
We had so much fun with Mickey & Minnie. We took many pictures from attraction to attraction.
And we also had some cherishable memories under the astonishing beautiful sky of fireworks.
...Was this memorable day not even a date? I was even anticipating so much a month ahead...
Do all these mean NOTHING AT ALL to you? ...while they mean everything to me at the same time?!
Was I too blinded by the illusion of love you once offered me with...?
Even if I could try repressing all the above into my unconsciousness...
There is no way I could forget that particular night.
If I were just a doll...if you've already found your human-partner by then...
THEN WHY? WHY...
Why did you still have me sleeping by your side in that...hotel room that night?
That specific hotel room which has a massage bath tub and... ...only 1 king-sized bed.
What were the caressing and biting... What were the touching and kissing...
Why did you even bother to wrap around and put your weight on my fragile waist... ... ...
Why did you...sleep with me before your departure? If you were to leave...then WHY?!
I want to tell you...I wish I could tell you, my Yabu-kun...that...
Even you left me soaking myself in my pool of tears every day since the day I was abandoned,
I did not regret it. I still value all we've experienced together.
That might be a horrible vivid nightmare but...it was such a sweet nightmare, you know.
I wish you all well with your human-lover now.
Though it's indescribably painful for me, here alone...all by myself.
Yet, I still hope you happy.
It doesn't really matter that much to what extent I was torn apart by your renouncement...
As long as you're happy, I will still keep silent and complain not.
It still hurts like hell...however,
I will only sob quietly... I won't intrude your new life without me.
Kota, I miss you.
I will always be your doll.
Just pick me up again anytime when you need it and throw it aside when you don't.
You are welcome to repeat these processes as many times as you wish.
I won't complain.
I am just your piece of toy anyway.
A few words from me: Sorry if this has made anyone worried... ...
Though I dun deny I'm actually Hikari-chan... ...I am fine.
So....well, just read it as a fic and forget about it =w= Thanks a lot.
* この人やったら、虐められてもいいと思ったら means
[[If it's this person who did it, then I guess it's alright for me to be tortured]]
It's actually a quote from...Ryo-chan .__. M M M M M~!!!